The Hole of Latent Energy

Sometimes I get lonely.

Why is this? The question posed here is one that haunts me in my times of solitude. This loneliness doesn't just come when I'm physically alone. In fact, I like the time I have to myself. This feeling just hits me sometimes out of the blue. When I'm with my best friends, I get lonely. When I'm having a good time with my roommates, I get lonely. When I'm praying, I get lonely. When I'm with my family, I get lonely. This lonely, restlessness doesn't come everyday. Sometimes it waits a day or two to rear its head. But it comes; eventually, it comes. It comes when I listen to Taylor Swift songs. It comes when I watch Definitely, Maybe or Dan in Real Life or any other movie about a guy and a girl falling in love and living happily ever after. It comes when I'm around two people passionately and wholly devoted to one another. It comes because I want that.

Inside of my heart lies a latent energy. One that carries more power than I know what to do with. Sometimes this energy seeps out of me when I tell a close friend how much I want a wife and kids someday. Sometimes this energy oozes out of my aching heart when I prepare a meal for some of my good friends and then sit down to enjoy it across the table from a couple looking wistfully into each others' eyes. And I sit there alone in a room full of people... at least I'm eating something good I guess.

But ultimately, my heart turns to a question: why in the midst of so much happiness and contentment and love do I feel this burning desire for something more? Why if I have the greatest Love ever to grace the earth with His presence do I long for something other than Him? This I cannot answer. Do I even need to answer it?

For the sake of torture, I'll pose yet another riddle: Why now? Why can't this desire lie in some cave at the depth of my soul for five more years? Why does it show itself when I still have (at least) two more years of college (and there's no way I'm getting married in college)? Why does this desire appear when I'm still years away from even being ready to pursue it? How can this desire show up when I also have this deep yearning to go find something up in the Northwest somewhere? Something rugged, something fiercely simple? Love may be rugged, but it is by no means simple. Where do I go with that?

Insane.

For now, I shall live a joyous, tortuous, vague, and extraordinarily loving existence as I toss pennies into the hole of latent energy that dwells inside me.

...Peace be with you.